Gaslighting is a severe form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse where a perpetrator systematically causes a victim to question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. To identify gaslighting, one must look for patterns of denial, contradiction, and lying that lead the victim to feel confused, anxious, and unable to trust their own judgment.
Defining Gaslighting and Coercive Control
In the realm of relationships and family law, few terms are as frequently cited yet misunderstood as “gaslighting.” While the term has entered the cultural lexicon, often used to describe minor disagreements, its clinical and legal reality is far more sinister. Gaslighting is not merely a difference of opinion; it is a calculated erosion of a person’s sense of self.
At its core, gaslighting is a strategy used to gain power and control. It operates on a gradient, often starting subtly before escalating into a total domination of the victim’s psychological state. This behavior is inextricably linked to coercive control, a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation, and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.
The term originates from the 1938 play Gas Light, in which a husband slowly manipulates his wife into believing she is going insane by dimming the gas lights in their home and denying that the light has changed. In modern relationships, this manifests as an abuser denying events that occurred, trivializing the victim’s feelings, or shifting blame so effectively that the victim apologizes for the abuser’s mistreatment.
The Mechanics of Manipulation
Gaslighting functions through repetition. An abuser does not break a victim’s spirit overnight. Instead, they employ a drip-feed of invalidation. This often follows three distinct stages:
- Disbelief: The victim notices the strange behavior or lies but dismisses them as a one-off or a misunderstanding.
- Defense: The victim begins to defend themselves against the manipulation, searching for evidence to prove their reality, yet arguing with the abuser only leads to further exhaustion.
- Depression: The victim eventually wears down, accepting the abuser’s version of reality to keep the peace, leading to a loss of joy and agency.
Recognizing the Signs: Am I Being Gaslighted?
Identifying gaslighting while you are in the middle of it is notoriously difficult because the abuse targets your cognitive faculties. However, objective observation of specific behaviors can help pierce the veil of confusion.
Common techniques used by gaslighters include:
- Countering: The abuser questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. (e.g., “You never remember things correctly.”)
- Withholding: The abuser refuses to listen or pretends not to understand. (e.g., “I’m not listening to this crap again.”)
- Trivializing: The abuser makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant. (e.g., “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re going to get angry over a little joke?”)
- Denial: The abuser forgets or denies promises made. (e.g., “I never said that.”)
- Diverting: The abuser changes the subject to focus on the victim’s credibility rather than the issue at hand.
If you find yourself constantly apologizing, making excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family, or feeling like you can’t do anything right, you may be experiencing the effects of gaslighting.
The Impact on Mental Health and Self-Worth
The invisible scars of emotional abuse are often deeper and longer-lasting than physical injuries. Because gaslighting attacks the foundation of a person’s mind, the mental health consequences are profound. Victims often suffer from what psychologists term “perspecticide”—the inability to know what they know.
Chronic exposure to gaslighting can lead to:
- Anxiety and Hypervigilance: Victims live in a state of constant “walking on eggshells,” waiting for the next conflict or manipulation.
- Depression: The systematic erosion of self-worth leads to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): The trauma of coercive control can result in flashbacks, nightmares, and severe emotional distress.
- Cognitive Dissonance: The mental stress experienced when holding two or more contradictory beliefs (e.g., “He loves me” vs. “He hurts me”).
This psychological dismantling is designed to make the victim dependent on the abuser for their reality. When a person no longer trusts their own mind, leaving the relationship feels impossible because they do not believe they can function alone.
Legal Recognition of Psychological Abuse in New Zealand
For many years, the legal system struggled to address abuse that did not leave physical marks. However, New Zealand has taken significant strides in recognizing that violence is not just physical. It is vital for victims to understand that gaslighting and psychological abuse are actionable under the law.
The Family Violence Act 2018 was a landmark piece of legislation in New Zealand that broadened the definition of family violence. Under this Act, violence includes “psychological abuse,” which can comprise a pattern of behavior that undermines a person’s dignity or sense of self-worth.
According to the New Zealand Legislation website, psychological abuse may include:
- Threats of physical or sexual violence.
- Intimidation or harassment.
- Damage to property.
- Ill-treatment of household pets.
- Financial or economic abuse (controlling access to money).
Crucially, the Act acknowledges that these behaviors may seem minor in isolation but, when viewed as a pattern (cumulative harm), constitute significant violence. This legal framework allows victims of gaslighting to apply for a Protection Order. A Protection Order can legally mandate that the abuser stop the psychological abuse and can also dictate non-contact provisions.
Police Safety Orders (PSO)
In immediate situations where police attend a domestic incident but there is insufficient evidence for an arrest, they can issue a Police Safety Order (PSO). A PSO can require the abuser to leave the property for up to 10 days, providing the victim with breathing room to seek support and legal advice regarding the psychological abuse they have endured.
Rebuilding Trust in Oneself and Recovery
Healing from gaslighting is a journey of reclaiming one’s reality. It involves unlearning the false narratives implanted by the abuser and learning to trust your intuition again. Recovery is not linear, but it is entirely possible with the right strategies and support systems.
Establishing Boundaries and Safety
The most effective way to halt the manipulation is to remove the manipulator’s access. This is often referred to as “Going No Contact.” This means blocking phone numbers, social media, and email access. If children are involved, communication may need to be restricted to a court-approved parenting app (like MyFamilyWizard) to document all interactions and prevent gaslighting.
Therapy and Validation
Trauma-informed therapy is essential. Therapies such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can help process the trauma. Furthermore, support groups provided by organizations like Women’s Refuge New Zealand offer a space where victims can share their stories and receive external validation—a powerful antidote to gaslighting.
Reconnecting with Reality
To rebuild self-trust, survivors are encouraged to:
- Journal: Writing down events as they happen provides a concrete record of reality that cannot be distorted by an abuser.
- Reconnect with Support Networks: Gaslighters isolate their victims. Reaching out to old friends and family helps ground the victim in their pre-abuse identity.
- Practice Mindfulness: engaging in the present moment helps reduce the anxiety of “what if” scenarios implanted by the abuser.
The scars of gaslighting may be invisible, but the strength required to heal from them is palpable. By understanding the mechanics of this abuse and leveraging the legal protections available in New Zealand, survivors can move from a place of confusion to a place of clarity and freedom.
