Ghosting, Breadcrumbing, and Modern Dating Terms

What is ghosting? Ghosting is the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing all communication. To ghost someone, a person ceases responding to texts, calls, and social media engagement, effectively vanishing from the other person’s life to avoid the discomfort of a formal breakup or rejection.

In the digital age, the landscape of romance has shifted dramatically. Gone are the days of formal courtships and clearly defined breakups. Today, the ease of swiping right is matched only by the ease of disappearing completely. While the terminology may seem trivial, the emotional impact of these behaviors is profound. This guide explores the definitions, psychological ramifications, and ethical considerations of modern dating behaviors, specifically tailored for the New Zealand context where social circles are tight and reputations stick.

The Glossary of Modern Dating: Beyond Ghosting

To navigate the current dating scene, one must understand the lexicon. While “ghosting” is the headline act, several other behaviors have emerged, creating a spectrum of digital rejection and ambiguity.

1. Ghosting

As defined above, this is the sudden cessation of contact. It can happen after one date, three months of dating, or even in long-term friendships. The key element is the lack of closure. The ghoster simply evaporates, leaving the ghosted party to wonder what went wrong.

2. Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing is arguably more insidious than ghosting. This occurs when a person sends sporadic, flirtatious, but non-committal messages (breadcrumbs) just to keep a prospect interested without any intention of pursuing a serious relationship. They might “like” an Instagram story or send a random “Thinking of you” text, only to disappear again when you try to make concrete plans. It keeps the victim on the hook, starving for attention but never fully fed.

3. Orbiting

Orbiting happens when a person cuts off direct communication (ghosts you) but continues to engage with your content on social media. They view your stories, like your posts, and retweet your thoughts, keeping themselves in your peripheral vision. It sends a confusing signal: “I don’t want to talk to you, but I want to watch you.”

4. Zombieing

This occurs when a ghost returns from the dead. After weeks or months of silence, the person reappears with a casual “Hey” or “Long time no see,” acting as if the period of no contact never happened. This often disrupts the healing process of the person who was ghosted.

5. Benching

Also known as “back-burnering,” benching is when someone likes you enough to keep you around as an option but not enough to commit to you. You are kept on the sidelines (the bench) while they explore other options (play the field). If their primary options fail, they may call you into the game.

The Psychology Behind the Silence

Why has ghosting become the default setting for so many? Psychologists suggest that it is often rooted in conflict avoidance and emotional immaturity rather than malice. However, the impact on the recipient can be severe.

For the Ghoster: Avoidance Coping

Many individuals ghost because they lack the communication skills to deliver bad news. They fear the emotional fallout of a breakup conversation—tears, anger, or bargaining. In their minds, disappearing feels like the “neutral” option, though it is actually a passive-aggressive one. The anonymity provided by dating apps also dehumanizes the interaction; it is easier to ignore a profile picture than a human being standing in front of you.

For the Ghosted: Social Rejection and Ambiguity

Being ghosted triggers the same pathways in the brain as physical pain. According to research cited by Psychology Today, social rejection activates the anterior cingulate cortex, the region associated with physical distress. Furthermore, the lack of closure creates a phenomenon known as “ambiguous loss.” Without a clear reason for the breakup, the brain goes into overdrive trying to solve the puzzle, leading to self-blame, anxiety, and a plummet in self-esteem.

The victim is left with questions: Was it something I said? Are they hurt? Did they die? This open loop prevents cognitive closure, making it significantly harder to move on compared to a definitive rejection.

The New Zealand Context: Dating in a Small Pond

Dating in New Zealand presents unique challenges that amplify the risks of ghosting. In major global cities like New York or London, you may never see a ghoster again. In New Zealand, however, the “two degrees of separation” rule often applies.

Reputational Risk

In cities like Wellington, Christchurch, or even Auckland, social circles overlap heavily. Ghosting someone carries a higher reputational risk here. If you ghost someone, it is highly likely you will run into them at a bar on Ponsonby Road, a festival, or a mutual friend’s BBQ. The awkwardness of these encounters is palpable.

Furthermore, because communities are tight-knit, word travels fast. A serial ghoster may find themselves labeled as unreliable or emotionally immature within their wider peer group. In the context of NZ’s “Tall Poppy” culture, where humility and decency are valued, behavior that is perceived as arrogant or dismissive (like ghosting) is often looked down upon more severely than in more individualistic cultures.

When Silence Crosses the Line: Legal Implications

Generally, ghosting is a social faux pas, not a legal issue. There is no law in New Zealand that compels someone to reply to a text message. However, the line blurs when behaviors escalate from silence to harassment or when digital communications cause harm.

The Harmful Digital Communications Act (HDCA)

While ghosting itself isn’t covered, the reaction to it—or the behaviors associated with “orbiting” and harassment—can fall under the Harmful Digital Communications Act 2015. If a person, after ghosting or being ghosted, engages in cyberbullying, releases intimate images (revenge porn), or harasses the other party repeatedly via digital channels, this becomes a legal matter.

Additionally, if “orbiting” escalates into stalking—where the individual is monitoring your movements and showing up where you are—this can be addressed under the Harassment Act 1997. It is vital to distinguish between a rude dating exit and behavior that threatens safety.

For more information on digital safety in New Zealand, Netsafe provides authoritative advice and reporting mechanisms for harmful digital communications.

How to End Things Respectfully

If you are considering ghosting someone, reconsider. A moment of courage can save the other person weeks of confusion. Ending a casual relationship or a few dates doesn’t require a long speech; it just requires clarity.

The “Clean Break” Text Scripts

You can end things politely without being overly harsh. Here are three templates suitable for different stages of dating:

• After 1-2 Dates: “Hey [Name], thanks for meeting up the other day. I enjoyed meeting you, but I didn’t feel the romantic spark I’m looking for. Best of luck out there!”
• After a Few Weeks: “Hi [Name], I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t think we are a match long-term. I wanted to be upfront rather than just fade away. I wish you the best.”
• If You Are Not Ready for a Relationship: “Hey [Name], I’ve realized I’m not in the right headspace for dating right now and I don’t want to waste your time. I think it’s best we stop seeing each other.”

Sending these messages might feel uncomfortable for thirty seconds, but it provides the other person with closure, allowing them to release the hope of a future with you and move on immediately.

Moving On: Healing from the Silent Treatment

If you have been ghosted, it is easy to spiral into self-doubt. However, the silence says far more about the ghoster’s character than your worth.

1. Don’t Chase the Ghost

The urge to send a follow-up text asking “Why?” or “Did I do something wrong?” is overwhelming. Resist it. If they wanted to talk to you, they would. Sending angry paragraphs or desperate pleas will likely go unanswered and only leave you feeling more powerless.

2. Reframe the Narrative

Instead of viewing the rejection as a failure on your part, view it as a lucky escape. You have identified that this person lacks communication skills, empathy, or basic courtesy. These are not traits that make for a healthy long-term partner.

3. Digital Detox

If they are “orbiting” you, block them. You do not owe them access to your life if they do not want to participate in it. Blocking prevents you from obsessively checking their social media to see if they are active, which only prolongs the pain.

Frequently Asked Questions