Coparenting different styles involves navigating conflicting approaches to child-rearing, such as balancing authoritarian discipline with gentle parenting techniques. To succeed, parents must identify their core values, compromise on non-negotiables, and present a united front to ensure their tamariki feel secure, understood, and consistently supported within the whānau.
Parenting is rarely a solo journey, but when two people come together to raise a child, they bring with them a lifetime of different experiences, values, and ingrained beliefs about how children should be raised. It is one of the most common sources of friction in relationships: one parent believes in strict boundaries and swift consequences, while the other prioritises emotional validation and negotiation.
In New Zealand, where modern parenting philosophies often intersect with traditional values and diverse cultural backgrounds, finding alignment can feel like an uphill battle. However, clashing styles do not have to result in a broken home or confused children. By understanding the psychology behind these styles and implementing strategic communication tools, you can turn parenting conflict into a complementary partnership.
Understanding the Parenting Style Spectrum
Before you can resolve a conflict, you must understand the geography of the battlefield. Parenting styles are rarely binary; they exist on a spectrum. Psychologists generally categorise these into four main quadrants, originally defined by Diana Baumrind, though modern terminology has evolved.
1. Authoritarian Parenting
This style is characterised by high demands and low responsiveness. The focus is on obedience, discipline, and control. In a Kiwi context, this might look like the “old school” approach where “children should be seen and not heard.” While it provides structure, it can stifle emotional expression if taken to extremes.
2. Permissive Parenting
Permissive parents are high in responsiveness but low in demands. They are nurturing and communicative, often treating the child more like a friend than a subordinate. The downside often manifests as a lack of self-discipline in the child and difficulty with boundaries.
3. Uninvolved Parenting
Characterised by low demands and low responsiveness. This is generally considered detrimental to child development, as the child receives neither guidance nor affection. This often requires professional intervention.
4. Authoritative (or Gentle/Respectful) Parenting
This is widely regarded as the gold standard in child psychology. It combines high demands with high responsiveness. Parents set clear boundaries and have high expectations but support their children in meeting them through warmth and open communication. In modern discourse, “Gentle Parenting” often falls under this umbrella, focusing on empathy and emotional regulation over punishment.
The Impact of Inconsistency on Tamariki
When coparenting different styles, the primary risk is inconsistency. Children are incredibly perceptive. If they learn that Mum says “no” to ice cream before dinner but Dad says “yes” if they whine enough, they will naturally gravitate toward the path of least resistance. This is not manipulation; it is a developmental survival strategy.
Intermittent reinforcement—where rules apply sometimes but not others—actually creates more anxiety and behavioural issues than a strict but consistent regime. For tamariki (children), predictability equals safety. When parents constantly undermine each other, the child’s environment becomes unpredictable.
However, this does not mean you must be clones of one another. Children can adapt to different styles if the core values remain the same. For example, Dad might be the one who encourages rough-and-tumble play and risk-taking (building resilience), while Mum might be the one who focuses on emotional articulation (building EQ). This diversity becomes a strength only when parents respect the other’s role rather than critiquing it in front of the child.
Authoritarian vs. Gentle Parenting: Bridging the Gap
The most common clash we see in New Zealand relationships and family counselling is between the “Authoritarian” and the “Gentle” parent. One fears the child is becoming “soft” or “spoiled,” while the other fears the child is being “traumatised” or “controlled.”
Finding the Middle Ground
To bridge this gap, both parties need to concede that their partner has valid intentions. The authoritarian parent usually wants to raise a respectful, resilient child who can function in society. The gentle parent wants to raise an emotionally healthy, securely attached child. These goals are not mutually exclusive.
The Compromise: Move toward Authoritative parenting. This satisfies the authoritarian parent’s need for structure (rules are enforced) and the gentle parent’s need for respect (rules are enforced with empathy, not shame).
- Instead of: “Go to your room, you’re being naughty!” (Authoritarian)
- Or: “Oh poor darling, you’re upset, you don’t have to clean up.” (Permissive)
- Try: “I can see you are frustrated, but it is not okay to throw toys. We are going to take a break until you are calm, and then we will clean up together.” (Authoritative)
Negotiating Discipline Strategies
Negotiation requires a calm environment, away from the heat of a tantrum. You cannot resolve deep-seated philosophical differences while one of you is trying to wrangle a screaming toddler into a car seat. Schedule a time—perhaps over a coffee or after the kids are asleep—to draft a “Parenting Plan,” even if you are a happily married couple.
The “Non-Negotiables” List
Create three columns on a piece of paper:
- Safety & Health: (e.g., Seatbelts, medication, hitting). These are usually non-negotiable.
- Core Values: (e.g., Education, kindness, honesty, cultural connection).
- The “Small Stuff”: (e.g., Clothing choices, messy play, screen time variations).
Most conflict arises in the third column. If one parent is strict about messy rooms and the other isn’t, agree that the strict parent handles the cleaning routine, or that the messy room is allowed provided it doesn’t spill into shared areas. By categorising issues, you realise that you likely agree on the big stuff (Safety and Values), which reduces the feeling of being on opposing teams.
For authoritative advice on setting boundaries that protect children while allowing for different parenting styles, resources like The Parenting Place offer excellent New Zealand-specific guidance.
Presenting a United Front (Even When You Disagree)
The concept of a “United Front” is often misunderstood. It does not mean you must agree with your partner’s decision instantly. It means you back their authority in the moment and debate the legislation later.
If your partner sets a boundary that you think is too harsh (provided it is not abusive), intervening immediately undermines them and teaches the child that the other parent’s authority is invalid. This creates a “Good Cop/Bad Cop” dynamic which is damaging to the coparenting relationship.
The “Defer and Debrief” Technique
If a situation arises where you disagree with how your partner is handling it:
- Defer: Unless safety is at risk, let the parent who initiated the interaction finish it.
- Support: Validate the child’s feelings without invalidating the other parent’s rule. “I know you’re sad that Dad said no TV, but that was the decision.”
- Debrief: Later, in private, discuss it. “When you took away the iPad for a week because he spilled the milk, I felt that was disproportionate. Can we agree on a standard consequence for accidents vs. defiance?”
The New Zealand Context: Whānau and Culture
In Aotearoa, parenting is often a collective effort involving whānau, grandparents, and community. This adds another layer of complexity to coparenting different styles. You might be navigating not just your partner’s style, but the influence of your mother-in-law or cultural tikanga.
For example, in some Māori and Pasifika whānau, there is a strong emphasis on collective responsibility and older siblings caring for younger ones (tuakana-teina). A partner from a Pākehā background might view this as “parentification” or too much responsibility. Conversely, a Pākehā emphasis on early independence and sleep training might seem cold to a partner raised with co-sleeping and constant physical closeness.
It is vital to view these differences through a lens of cultural curiosity rather than judgment. Ask: “How does this practice benefit our child’s connection to their heritage?” Blending these styles can give tamariki the best of both worlds—autonomy and deep communal connection.
When to Seek Parenting Coaching or Legal Advice
Sometimes, the gap is too wide to bridge alone. If coparenting different styles is leading to constant conflict, resentment, or anxiety in your children, it is time to seek external help.
Parenting Coaching
A parenting coach is not a referee who decides who is “right.” They are strategists who help you build a hybrid model. They can provide scripts for difficult conversations and help you understand the developmental needs of your child.
Counselling
Often, fights about parenting are actually fights about control, respect, or past trauma. Couples counselling can uncover the root cause. Perhaps one parent is strict because they felt unsafe as a child, while the other is permissive because they felt unheard.
Legal Context
If you are separated or separating, differences in parenting styles can become legal matters. Under the Care of Children Act 2004, the welfare and best interests of the child are paramount. While the Family Court generally does not micro-manage parenting styles, they will intervene if a style crosses into psychological or physical harm. If you are drafting a Parenting Order, you can include specific clauses regarding discipline methods, religious instruction, and health care to prevent future conflict.
For more information on legal rights and responsibilities regarding children in New Zealand, the Ministry of Justice provides comprehensive resources.
Conclusion: Moving from Conflict to Collaboration
Coparenting different styles is undoubtedly challenging, but it is also an opportunity. It forces parents to examine their own biases, communicate more deeply, and act intentionally rather than reactively. By focusing on your shared love for your tamariki and respecting the unique strengths each parent brings to the table, you can create a family culture that is rich, diverse, and secure.
Remember, your children do not need perfect parents who agree on everything instantly. They need parents who are committed to working it out, respectfully and lovingly.
People Also Ask
How do you coparent with someone who has a different parenting style?
Successful coparenting with different styles requires open communication, compromise, and a focus on shared values. Establish “non-negotiables” regarding health and safety, and allow for flexibility in other areas. Present a united front to the children, deferring to the parent handling the situation in the moment, and discussing disagreements privately later.
What are the 4 types of parenting styles?
The four main parenting styles, based on Baumrind’s research, are Authoritarian (high demands, low responsiveness), Permissive (low demands, high responsiveness), Uninvolved (low demands, low responsiveness), and Authoritative (high demands, high responsiveness). Authoritative parenting is generally considered the most beneficial for child development.
Can a relationship survive different parenting styles?
Yes, a relationship can survive and thrive with different parenting styles if there is mutual respect and effective communication. Couples must be willing to learn from each other and create a hybrid approach. However, if the differences involve fundamental values or safety issues, professional counselling or parenting coaching may be necessary.
How does inconsistent parenting affect a child?
Inconsistent parenting can lead to anxiety, confusion, and behavioural issues in children. When rules change unpredictably between parents, children may struggle to understand boundaries and may learn to manipulate the situation. Consistency provides a sense of safety and predictability that is crucial for emotional development.
What is the “United Front” in parenting?
A “United Front” means that parents back each other up in front of their children, even if they disagree with a specific decision. It prevents children from playing one parent against the other. Disagreements regarding the decision are discussed privately, away from the children, to maintain parental authority and family stability.
How do I stop my partner from undermining my parenting?
To stop undermining, have a calm, private conversation about how it affects your authority and the child’s behaviour. Agree on a signal to use when one parent feels undermined, and commit to a “defer and debrief” strategy where you support the active parent in the moment and critique the approach later.
